Perhaps the biggest issue regarding gender is that neither gender truly understands the other. Women just assume that men think like them (which is hilariously false), and men typically have no idea what women are thinking to begin with (because women are sporadic aliens). And even worse, most people spend their entire life in the dark, looking Online for dating advice when they can’t understand the actions of their significant other. The true solution to this, however, is simply to understand how the opposite gender thinks. So today, my mission will be to unveil one of the best kept secrets of the mind: the science of attraction.

Before I begin, I should probably give a brief disclaimer. First, this is not my concept alone; instead it is a concept constructed over years of research by various groups of people. Second, it is based heavily off of Darwin’s theory of evolution, which in turn makes this a theory. Keep this in mind if you find yourself skeptical of the subject matter.

Many people believe in the concept of “love at first sight.” You know, that magical feeling you get when you see someone for the first time and you just know “that’s the person I’m going to marry someday” . . . Except that’s rarely the case.

In fact, when I asked my grandmother if she was fond of my grandfather the first time she met him, to my shock she said, “Oh, no. In fact I thought he was rather rude.” This is because attraction works differently for men and women, and here’s where the science comes in.

For men, attraction is very simple: good looking women cause an instantaneous attraction and a good personality triggers a more permanent, long lasting attraction. Does this make men shallow? Absolutely not. The concept that we should be attracted to attractive people is not new. This is because people who are generally good looking also tend to have good genetics. So when a man is attracted to a good looking woman, his subconscious is telling him “Hey! This person will produce a superior offspring that is more likely to attract a mate and pass on my genealogy!” Of course he isn’t thinking this consciously, but evolutionary wiring is what runs the subconscious mind and the subconscious mind is what runs attraction. You do the math.

Women are far more complicated, however. Although women do look at physical attractiveness, this doesn’t actually hold much value on whether they find someone attractive or not. Instead, attraction in women is based solely off of value. What gives a man higher value, you may ask? Well, this is a much more complicated question than it may seem to be. A man’s value represents his ability to display certain traits. Men who can show that they are protectors of loved ones, the leader of men, and successful risk takers, for example, are much more likely to attract women than those who either don’t have these traits or are incapable of demonstrating them.

Although this may seem cheesy and generic, it does have an evolutionary foundation. In the past, women were incapable of taking care of themselves, particularly in a financial sense. Think about it, up until the women’s rights movement a wage-earning woman was very rare. And far before then, in the Victorian era for example, women – especially in a European setting – only had one main job in life: to produce children. As a result, they evolved to gravitate towards men who could provide for them and their offspring. Although times have indeed changed and most women are more than capable of providing for themselves, evolutionary wiring doesn’t simply change the instant society evolves.

But what’s the takeaway here? Have I just wasted your time explaining an arbitrary concept that will never help you? Maybe, that is if you never want to be seen as attractive to another human. But if you’re in the majority that does find value in what makes men and women attracted to each other, know this: You don’t have to settle for less. Even though “social wiring” isn’t nearly as romantic sounding as “love at first sight,” it actually gives you more opportunities. The truth is because attraction isn’t based solely off of first impressions. You can make yourself a more attractive person simply by developing your character, and as an added bonus, most of these changes also make you a better person altogether.  

At the end of the day, you are only as good as people perceive you to be. So be your best self; if not for you, than for those who surround you every day.